I miss home

Well I went ahead and did what I said I wouldn’t do.  I moved out of my hometown again.  Baby and me have only been out of the town for a little over a week, but I am miserable already.  I miss my mom, I miss my cats, I miss my life.  I am living with my business partner, but I still do not have a car or any way to get anywhere.  So I am stuck in his house, and he thinks I am a horrible mother.  I cry everyday, but I really do not see another choice if I want to be able to make enough money to take care of my family.  This blog really was never meant to be a poor pitiful me thing, which is why I haven’t written in a while.  I just feel so horrible that I don’t want to bring everyone else down.

Well that is all for now, here is to hoping the business picks up soon so I can get my stuff straight and get my own place, so I don’t feel like shit everyday…

Change, Oh how it blows… both bad and good

I have had so much change for me in the last two years.  I had my own apartment, it was small but it was mine.  It was just me and my cats.  I wasn’t pregnant, I thought he loved me, and I had a life outside of cleaning house and cooking dinner.

Then here comes September 2012, I found out I was pregnant.  The last I saw of him was in October.  I had to quit my job and move in with my mother.  Being a 30 year old who has to move back in with momma, that hurts.  There was just no way I could take care of myself and a baby.  I was barely making it on my own.  I moved in with Mom, and here I sit.

All the sudden I have no friends, no job, no car, and no life.  But I have this awesome little blue eyed baby girl.  I love that.  I don’t know what I would do with out her.  But you know I am so lonely.  I have my mom and my mom’s boyfriend, but for weeks on end that is all I see.  No one wants to visit.  It is horrible, but for my baby girl.

I keep my mom’s house clean because she works and it is the least I can do.  Her boyfriend works sometimes but not often enough that I should be the only one cleaning.  And every time I say anything I am playing “poor pitiful pearl” but damn it.  They both have a life out side of the house.  I have facebook and my blog.  Yes a friend and I are trying to start a business but he only calls when its business related now.  I am so lonely.

I love my baby and I love being her everything, but I wish someone would visit.

I went from lots of visitors, or at least lots of people to see while I was out to being trapped in my childhood home with chores to do.

Beautiful

I have a VERY dear friend, one I have not had the chance to meet in person yet.  She is my family, even though I have never met her.  She is my beautiful sister.  She has no idea how much she means to me, and that I think about her daily even if I don’t get to talk to her daily, weekly, or even monthly sometimes.  She is more important to me than some people I have known my whole life.  This is the story of how I wish she saw herself everyday.

When I first “met” her, you know how we do now days on social media, I was so jealous.  There was no end to how jealous I was.  First she was a friend of my then boyfriend, and since he was a long distance love (tip: long distance doesn’t work) she got to see him all the time and I didn’t.  Second, in every picture of her I was drawn to how beautiful her smile and eyes are.  Thirdly, she had CURVES.  I mean I am not a stick figure, but I have a somewhat flat chest and hardly any butt.  To me she was so pretty and I knew I would lose him to her, so I decided to make her my friend.

I learned really quickly that she would never do that kind of thing to anyone.  My far sister is a sweet soul.  The sad thing to this that made me even more jealous at first.  I mean she was beautiful inside and out, and here I am 2000 miles away from my boyfriend and she is there and I am so-so looking and I don’t feel beautiful inside.  The more she and I talked and communicated, the more I learned that I am beautiful on the inside, which caused me to realize I am beautiful on the outside too.  Her inner beauty helped me see beauty in myself, and that is a gift I can NEVER repay.

Now to most of society, she was considered overweight.  To me she was all beauty and this was before I even knew her.  Well time goes on, and the boyfriend I had left me… There she was talking to me on the phone telling me that he wasn’t worth me being this upset over.  She was there for me, even while she was fighting a battle I knew nothing about.

Fast forward just a little… I find out all the weight she had been losing was being lost the wrong way.  My beautiful sister has an eating disorder.  This breaks my heart.  She is my rock, my long distance savior.  It hurt so bad to think that she didn’t see her beauty.  I wished (and still do) that she could see herself the way I do.  I wanted her to see how her smile could be mischievous and sweet all at the same time, and how her eyes seem to glimmer in the photos.  I wanted her to see how pretty her skin is, how she could light up a room.  I felt like I didn’t do enough for my sister.

Well she went a rehab, and is doing much better now.  But still some pictures and some people bring her body image back down in her eyes.  I want her to know now and everyday, “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.”  I want everyone to know that they are beautiful, the beauty is there and someone sees it, even if we can’t make you see it.  Know that even if you are skinny, fat, slim, chunky, or whatever stupid box society thinks you belong in you are beautiful.

If you think you need to lose weight, do it the right way and remember the only reason to lose weight is if it medically necessary.   If your weight is making your knees hurt and it bothers you then do it the right way, or if you are diabetic, or whatever medical issue you have is.  Do not lose weight because some boy or some girl told you to, or society told you that you are overweight.  Don’t gain weight for the same reasons.  Remember the lesson of my BEAUTIFUL sister.  Everyone is beautiful in their own way and someone sees it in you.  ❤

Awesome Breastfeeding Accessories you didn’t know you needed!

Awesome Breastfeeding Accessories you didn’t know you needed!.

 

 

for those breastfeeding mommies

Immigration What’s the deal?

First I have to state that I am not writing this to piss people off.  That said here we go.

In the United States we have tons of illegal immigrants.  Its just a fact of life here.  Now I do not believe that all of them need to be just given citizenship or even a visa, but I do think that some should.  I used to be very against giving any of them anything but a trip home, but then my sister fell in love.  My brother-in-law is illegal, but he works his ass off to be productive and he made sure he learned English so that he could communicate with everyone.  He does more to be productive in our society than many citizens I know.  He has even said that he think that the illegals who “work” the system to get free everything should be deported and those who go in and out of jail.

I share that belief.  I had a neighbor at one time that was an illegal from Guatemala and I swear he spent more time in jail for drunk and disorderly than he did in his own home.  Those kinds of individuals do not need to be here.  Also I do not think that those who are here solely to send money back to their country should be here.  I understand sending money back to help your family, but instead why not bring your family here.

And that brings me to my next type.  The illegal who moves here but has a wife back home.  That is fine and dandy, but don’t date someone here if you have a wife back home.  My Tio is just like that.  He has a wife in Mexico and send most of his money back home to work on his house down there.  Yet here in Texas he lives with my Tia acts like they are man and wife, but doesn’t hardly support her.  Yes I know part of the blame is on her, but as everyone knows you can not choose who you love.  It makes me feel like the men and even a few women who do this just want to take advantage of people over here so they don’t have to spend any more money than necessary so they can send more back.

In closing remember that all of us here in the Americas are technically here illegally, with the exception of the 100% Native Americans.  Our forefathers stole the land and lied to the Natives.  Being half-Native I like think I am only half-illegal. 🙂

6- Ignorant Things People Say About Breastfeeding…

6- Ignorant Things People Say About Breastfeeding….

 

Everyone should read this above post.  Even if you don’t support it, read it so you don’t offend those who do.

Understanding, It is hard

Ok, I know I made a commitment to blog every day and I have not have been keeping up with it.  I have been having a lot on my plate lately.  One of those things is working to learn real estate because a close friend, an adopted family member, is trying to start a company for those of us who have adopted him and are in the lower middle class (or below the poverty line).  He is a good guy, but a slave driver in teaching us about the ins and outs of business.

Last night was our first meet and greet.  It was hard on me because I am full time mom and had never been away from my 8 month old more than a couple hours.  Well in a nut shell I had an anxiety attack on the way home.  He and I then had a long conversation ranging on topics of assets, investments, and liabilities as they relate to people.  He told me that there is no such thing as unconditional love, and that everyone you put time in should give you 100% if they don’t you should cut them out.  Through out this conversation I really didn’t say much.  I honestly didn’t know what to say.  So I thought about it.  And thought about it.  And thought about it.

After thinking on this for almost 24 hours I thought I understood what he was trying to say and I found that I didn’t agree with what I “thought” I understood.  So I sat down and wrote out a LONG ass email to him, poured my heart out.  I touched on everything I thought he was talking about last night… Apparently I didn’t get it.  And I still don’t.  I have never been more confused in my life.  I know that there is unconditional love, I have that kind of love for my children and my parents.  I know that I have a habit (almost compulsion) to try to make the people I love, love me as much as I love them.  I know that I may live in a small redneck town, but it is not a step down from any place and this is where I would love to spend the rest of my life.  So in many many words I told him this.  I also told him many other things that I don’t think he knew about, like how he is one of the reasons I didn’t kill myself after my husband died.  I really don’t understand what point I missed.

He emailed me back… Apparently I missed his points.  I honestly thought I understood what he meant.  But I didn’t and I am not sure if he understood mine.  I am currently doing that horrible mental dance wondering how bad I pissed him off…  I emailed him back asking him to clarify which points I have missed and haven’t heard back yet.  I am hoping that I can understand this time.

The whole point to this blog post is, how often to you hear what you think you understand only to find out you understand nothing at all.  It breaks my heart to think that a misunderstanding, a simple I didn’t get the point, can piss people off.  It happens everyday to everybody out there.  I am sitting here thinking how many times misunderstanding have happened in my life and totally screwed things up.  Life is full of misunderstandings, don’t you sometimes wish you could take them all back and start over from scratch.  I can’t count the amount of misunderstandings I wish I could undo.

But we need to learn from these misunderstandings, sometimes we can’t or don’t.  Here is hoping for more understanding in the future.  Lets all set down and try to understand our friends family more and try to make sure we are clear on what we are trying to get across.  Feeling stressed and sick to my stomach all the time because I am worried I am going to say or do something because of a misunderstanding is not good so I am going to try even harder to understand and LISTEN, not just hear, what my family and friends are saying.

Kayak.com

Ok, this post is in a nutshell about my sister and how offensive and uncaring Kayak.com is towards people who need medical care.

Most people will see this as a funny commercial, but it is not, not really.  Think about it how would you feel if your baby sister (she is 25 years old but still my baby sister) needs to have a tumor removed from her brain, but is now terrified that some doctor is going to this to her while she is knocked out.  This commercial was meant to be funny, I get that, but would you do a commercial about a doctor goofing off that was in the middle of surgery on a child, on a pregnant woman, or on a baby?  The answer is no you would not, but yet it is ok for them to do one about brain surgery because that doesn’t touch many people.  I have email Kayak several times since they first started airing this and have NEVER received a response.  I like their other funny commercials, but because they have never even bothered to respond to me has made decide that I will not use their services and that I will ask others to not to use it either.

I know this is a short post, and I have been away since Thanksgiving, so I will try to post again today.

Shopping on Thanksgiving?

There is so much fuss over this.  I am on the DO NOT SHOP side of the argument.  I worked retail on and off (more on than off) for almost 15 years.  There are three main arguments against shopping on Thanksgiving and they are: 1. disrupts family time 2. voluntary working 3. sales aren’t as good as you really think.  I know you “think” you are getting a great deal but you aren’t.

Ok, the first item on our list.  There are few holidays that are geared just toward families with out being religious.  Thanksgiving happens to be one of them.  Now being half Native my family doesn’t celebrate it for the reason of the pilgrims and such.  We celebrate it because we are THANKFUL for our family and the other blessing in our lives.  When you run to go shop on Thanksgiving day and then try to say well I am going Thanksgiving evening, that doesn’t make it any better.  In order to get a store ready to open for the Black Friday sales associates have to be in the store getting it set up anywhere from 4 to 6 hours before the doors open.  So even to those stores that open at 4 or 5 am the workers have to be there around midnight to start opening.  So shopping at ANY time on Thanksgiving you are cutting into family time and that is just rude.  Think about it would you want to be taken away from your family or friends during a celebration.

Second item, 90% of retailers have “blackout days” or “no call out days.”  These days coincide with their biggest sales days.  Black Friday, Tax Free Weekend, the day after Christmas, and so on.  On these days people who call out run the risk of being fired.  Normally the only valid excuse is hospitalization.  This past Christmas, I was working retail and was BIG and pregnant.  I ended up with pneumonia.  It hit fast, I didn’t even feel sick on Christmas Eve.  By the day after Christmas I was so short of breath I couldn’t make it down the stairs.  I went to the ER and called in to work.  One of the managers actually asked me why I couldn’t come into work then go to the ER.  He tried to talk the store director into firing me because of it.  I was really upset.  Now for the people that have to work on Thanksgiving, since the retailers are treating it as Black Friday, do not get to volunteer and can not call out.  How screwed up is that?

Thirdly, the big “deals” you get.  Don’t make me laugh.  They used to be great deals, but now the mark up on most items in the stores is so much that even at sale price, many items still give the retailers 25-50% profit.  Also all the “add-ons” that retailers try to get you to buy, they aren’t on sell.  My last retail job was at a sporting goods store, and I worked the gun counter.  That store only made 38% profit on about 3/4ths of the firearms sold, but the add-ons… OMG! One box of 9mm target ammo, the 50 round Winchester 9mm Luger target ammo 115 grain, the store made 155% profit.  So lets say they do a sale on a Taurus 24/7 9mm, (Taurus firearms have the most percentage of profit at 69% most of the time) they will typically drop the firearm to about 25-30%  profit but the ammo will not go on sale.  Most consumers will go, “OMG!! I saved $78 on this gun so I can buy more ammo.”  The ammo you buy is FULL price so the customer buys 6-7 boxes of ammo at $10 profit a piece… Damn you just made up the sale and screwed the pooch…

This all I am gonna say on this because it does really piss me off and if I had an option of buying something at store other than Wal-mart (Wal-mart is pretty much all we got where I live) I would boycott them.  The founder of Wal-mart believed in family and is probably rolling in his grave to see what his store has done to a family holiday.

Bias and Double Standards

Ok, I know this one is going to ruffle some feathers, but it has be done.  I welcome all comments but no hateful remarks.

I see double standards everyday as a breastfeeding mom, as a woman, as a Native American, as an Irish woman, as a Catholic, as a single mom, as a seemingly white American, as a Semi-Conservative, and the list goes on and on and on.  Now I am going to touch on a few that affect me and some that do not, but I think they are all important because we are all people and we all deserve to be granted the same platform to show our skills and the same standards as everyone else.

The one that REALLY bothers me, and even bothered me as a child, is the double standard applied to breastfeeding mothers.  You see every day on the TV women half-dressed.  Some of the “role-models” of the world today think nothing of showing almost every curve God gave us.  I am not even talking about Miley Cyrus and her recent escapade, because even her supporters are freaked out by the nakedness.  I am just talking about fashion of today.  I mean look at what the Kardashians wear some of the time.  Or lets go back to when I was younger and look at Madonna.  It is socially acceptable for women to go out dressed in little bitty outfits (now I know I am guilty of it too, I am not saying dressing that is wrong) and no one asks them to go home and put on more clothes.  Now lets take a woman feeding her baby in a mall, everyone in an uproar.  OMG The baby might move and someone might accidentally see a nipple!!!!  Seriously? With all the other stuff in the world you should be worried about and taking issue with, and this is something that you are going to go to bat for? The woman is feeding her child, her body actually MAKES food for the baby.  The boob was not put on the body to attract a man, but to feed a baby.

Now lets go to the female/male double standard. This list could go for ever and ever.  A man is a “real man,” when he sleeps with a lot of women, a woman is a hoe, a slut, or worse if she does the same thing.  Two women making out is sooo sexy, two men is eeeewww gross.  A woman who does a “man’s” job is just trying to take jobs away from men, or she isn’t going to get paid as much as a man.  A woman can wear make up or not wear it, but Lord forbid if a man wants to cover circles under their eyes.  Like I said the list goes on and on, but what brought this to my attention today was a Victoria Secrets commercial and and a Secret deodorant commercial.  Why don’t we get to see sexy men dressed only in their drawers walking and looking seductive?  Because it would make most of America uncomfortable that is why.  Because it is “OK” for a woman to be sexualized but never a man.  And then the whole thing with Secret, is their motto its always bothered me “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?” Again this is a ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS? What man is strong enough to carry a child, birth a child, and still do everything a man can do?  I am sure one day scientists will be able to make a man carry a baby, and when that day comes then I can hey man you are effing awesome!!!!  But until then Secret we are just a strong as they are and yes most women sweat just as much men, we just worry more about stinking.

Here is the one that is gonna piss EVERYONE off.  Race and Obama.  When Bush was President people poked fun at him and even in some cases (such as his many troubles with the teleprompters) were down right mean about it, but no one ever told the person with joke that they were being racist.  Even if that person wasn’t white.  Now if you are involved with the circus that is fame, of any sort, you are opening yourself and all your flaws up to criticism and jokes.  Even if you are getting poked fun at for something you cannot help, as in Bush’s case, his dyslexia.  Yes that is why he had trouble with reading a speech off of a teleprompter or notes.  Now if you poke fun at Obama or even disagree with something he says or does you run a very high risk of being called racist.  One of my close friends is very conservative and also very much an African American, and he posted a silly joke about Obama and was told by many people, both white and black, that he was just racist and that he should bleach his skin white to match his KKK insides.  So why is it that you can make fun a white president, but you cannot make fun of a black one?  I can see calling someone a racist if they made a racist joke but for the most part this is not the case.  So can someone please explain to me when we became so politically correct that everyone is scared to crack a joke at a politician, based solely on the color of his skin?

Now to another subject that is a little touchy.  Race in general.  I look REALLY white, but I am not.  I am Mescalero Apache, Crow, and Irish.  I am actually half Native.  Pretty shocking in a redhead let me tell you.  My dad is 75% Irish and 25% Mescalero Apache and my mother is 75% Mescalero Apache and Crow and 25% Irish.  That makes me half, but obviously I ended up with many more Irish characteristics than Native.  Affirmative Action was useful back when, but in today’s society I don’t believe we need it.  If a white man is slightly more qualified than a black man, than a woman, than a Hispanic man, an Asian man, and so on and so forth, he should be hired or get into that school.  Personally I think that if we did all interviews over the phone or with a screen or on the computer where the person doing the interview would have NO IDEA what the other person looked like the world would be a whole lot more balanced.  When I applied to colleges I did apply to Harvard and was accepted.  I was number 58 in my class out of 249, I found out later before I decided which school to go to that my friend who was in the top ten didn’t get accepted to Harvard.  His WHOLE school career was way more balanced than mine and he made better grades and tested better than I did, yet I got in because I have my tribe card and therefore am a double minority for the school (Native and female) and he was just a white male.  I know people who in the late 90’s didn’t get jobs because the other applicant was a minority.  THERE IS NO MINORITY IF WE ALL CLAIM HUMAN!!!! This is something I wish the rest of the world would understand.

This is the end of my little rant, I could go on and on about bias and double standards. Just be glad I didn’t get started on the bias in LGBT community I could go on that rant for days.  Again thanks for reading and any comments are welcome as long as they aren’t hateful or hurtful. ❤